BORROWED TIME : AN AIDS MEMOIR
1/2
Michelle Tan
RATING: ****1/2 OUT OF *****
WRITTEN BY PAUL MONETTE
PUBLISHED BY ABACUS IN 1988
The Pain of Caring
Leave your prejudices at the door when you read this book. Only then will you be truly touched by this poignant real life account of an aids patient and his gay lover cum sole care giver. The anguish and the emotional and physical pain which AIDS brings is clearly articulated and the suffering of the caregiver amplified. You must leave your homophobia behind to enjoy true human love and companionship and to relate with Paul's pain which anyone, regardless of gender, age, race or sexual preference has to go through when faced with the impending death of a loved one.This great biographical account of Roger, the first victim of the dreaded disease, and Paul, his sole caretaker and second victim, brought tears to my eyes as it stirred up painful memories of my own fight with death, namely that of my beloved grandfather who died last year of cancer and of my beautiful mother in law who is still battling the disease till today. Like Paul, you feel that your life is a big pause. You live, but yet am not really living. Your life is on hold as you watch the lives of your loved ones slowly slip through your fingers. The hunger to protect them, to nourish them, to care for them is never ending. The fight to save them never stops. At the same time, you have to sacrifice your own 'life' in order for them to continue breathing for a single day. The hopes, the silent screams, the perverse pain; you feel them all, along with them. As Paul builds desperate hopes and dreams of a 'miraculous' last cure, you hope along with him and you feel your remember y! our own hopes and tears.
As I watch my mother in law fight the dreaded disease, I see in her the same turmoil that Roger and Paul went through. Being afraid, being totally dependent on someone else, losing total control ... crying bitter tears late at night so that no one will hear you, these are experiences I can identify with. I admire these brave people and their will to live, their determination to make the most of what they have and the ability to smile each day. Through Paul's eyes, I can see myself in the last few years, playing the care giver to these two people. I do the normal things like visiting them, bringing them food, keeping them company and so on but most importantly, sharing their fight against death. It is as if you pit yourself against death itself.
When death inevitably arrives, you are left with 'survivor's guilt', and the questions of "why them and not me" flood your thoughts. The fear arises that if some day you had the same disease but had no one left to take care of you, what then?... This was the question and challenge that Paul had to face after Roger's death and finding out that he himself had contracted AIDS. This book leaves me wondering about who actually suffers most when someone dies: The deceased or the people who are left behind to pick up the pieces they leave behind.
The Flying Inkpot Rating System:
* Wait for the TV2 broadcast.
** A little creaky, but still better than staying at home with Gotcha!
*** Pretty good, bring a friend.
**** Amazing, potent stuff.
***** Perfection. See it twice.
Michelle Tan lives on a cloud somewhere in the southern hemisphere.
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