The Occasional Editorial
10˝ THINGS A CONDUCTOR CAN AND CANNOT DO
"My farrder was an engi-ni-er’e. And so are my brua-ders."
4˝ THINGS A CONDUCTOR NEVER DOES:
1. A conductor conducts with his upper body, never with his knees.
2. Conductors do not jump on the podium. Only one conductor was ever legendary enough to jump when conducting.* For all other conductors, jumping is a highly dangerous business which will most likely secure you an extremely painful seat somewhere on the first row of the audience.
2a. Even if a conductor must jump, issuing directions to the orchestra while swishing your body and tails is very unprofessional. This is very embarassing to the audience.
3. In the act of conducting music, conductors do not fan their hands at the orchestra. This is very embarassing to the orchestra.
4. Beer drinkers who are obviously not conductors or conductors who have had one too many** should not endorse beer on television. This is very embarassing to the beer company.
6 THINGS A CONDUCTOR CAN DO:
1. Have
badcontroversial hairdos.***2. Have family members who are engineers.
3. Conduct in their grandparents’ factories or other large warehouse/exhibition halls.****
4. Perform 8-second works or conducting excruciatingly difficult chords, trumpet arpeggios, piano scales, and more chords.
5. Be "true" to himself or herself (... whatever that means.).
6. Drink Heineken beer.
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*Leonard Bernstein (1918-90).
**Eg. A drunken conductor ruined the permiere of Rachmaninov's First Symphony, which upset the latter so much that he could not compose anything for three years.
***Eg. Seiji Ozawa in 1973. (Please see Berlioz Review)
****Gustav Mahler premiered his "Symphony of a Thousand" in an exhibition hall in Munich, 1910. There were 1029 musicians on stage, excluding conductor.
22.2.98; 14.7.98
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