OVERALL NOISE RATING: 2 (4 for the bunch who clapped after the first movement)

The Noise Rating Index is a partially-objective measurement of pager and handphone blasts, 9pm and 10pm watch beeps, coughing-during-the-pianissimo-bits, intra-audience conversation and other mind-bogglingly inapt noises emitted in the concert hall during actual performance of music. It is measured on a scale of 0 to 5, in increasing annoyance.

Tickets for Inkpot classical music reviewers have been kindly sponsored by the Singapore Symphonia Company.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
The Authenticist, one who supports authentic performance.
The Regular, one who doesn't mind.
Leon, nobody in particular.
Bull, a Spanish bull.
Antonio Vivaldi, a composer.

ACT I
Outside Victoria Concert Hall. Enter the Authenticist, the Regular and Leon.

A: What a disappointing concert! I thought these people were going to play in period style!
R: What's wrong? They were skilful, refined and obviously very polished experts in the music.
A: So? Where is the rhythmic drive? Where is the Baroque frisson? The splendour of the intricate architecture? I only heard the harpsichord in a couple of movements in The Four Seasons!
R: Well, at least they didn't have a platoon of violins. The chamber style fits Baroque practice, didn't it? The orchestra was truly of one single unified voice, perfectly attuned to each other - did you notice the organ-like sonority of the continuo? Or the effortless grace and ease with which they performed the Vivaldi?
A: Too easy! Almost unadventurous. But I must admit, they were a very musical bunch, including that Marco Formica-whatever violinist who solo'ed The Four Seasons. Actually I liked his decoration of the score - if a bit conservative, at least it was idiomatic and evocative. Sensitive rubato too. But it's just too easy! There was no adventure, no risk, so much detail lost in the thickness of modern instrumental tones. Their "Hunt" in Autumn was like a trip to the zoo! It was almost like they were greeting the seasons the same happy way every year, cycle after cycle.
R: But there are benefits too - like how unfazed the harsher movements sounded in their hands. I think a modern string ensemble is at least capable of producing more tone colours and a greater dynamic range than Baroque strings - such was shown in Winter. Speaking of Winter, I was watching out for the Largo - and wasn't that a beautiful reading, with its highly effective pizzicato accompaniment?
A: Yes, that was a very good, musical performance, very tastefully done. I enjoyed watching the principal cellist too. They also possessed great projective powers, which Baroque instruments weren't very good at. I'm sure even those at the back of the hall could hear very well!
R: You can say that again! They sure clapped very loud after Spring's first movement!
A: You know, these Italians have probably played The Four Seasons thousands of times. Speaking of which - what about Scimone, the "conductor"! With a due respect to this great musician - I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! Baroque music of this scale doesn't need a conductor - there's no way anyone can conduct Vivaldi's motor rhythms, so it seems to me he was merely pretending!
R: Hey, come on, the conductor's real work is when the orchestra is rehearsing. Anyway, at least the audience was amused at his pretending to be shivering at the cold during Winter.
A: I know, I know, but still - he could have directed from the keyboard, rather than waste time waving a useless stick, and what a stick!
L: Yeah, it was the biggest stick I've ever seen any conductor wave. Anyway [with a silly grin], it's not how big it is that matters, it's how you-
A:[smiling] Yeah yeah yeah... But I thought it was almost insulting to the orchestra and even the audience when the conductor starts waving the baton in circles - literally! - that's not the way to "conduct"! Even for a modern orchestra! But really, he should have directed from the harpsichord or something. After all, it was pretty obvious at many points that HE was following the orchestra, not the other way around!
R: Really? Interesting... Anyway, the harpsichordist did make an appearance in the last movement of Winter, doing a great job himself helping the soloist portray the staggering footsteps of a man crossing thin ice! And in the slow movement of Autumn - that was a beautifully hushed performance too.
A: Yes, I remember the strings were truly wonderful in that part - a genuine pianissimo. In fact, the movement was very hypnotic and hymn-like.
R: Yes, a chilly autumn. Possibly the best movement for this concert.
L: But the solo violin has no part in this movement leh...
A & R: Oh give him a break!

Act II
A cinema. Leon and a bull at their seats, waiting for movie to begin.

L: You bulls have something to do with trumpets and fanfares, right?
B: [snort]
L: Well, the trumpeteer and the oboist who did the other two concertos - they were splendidly skilful players too. I'm pretty sure if you were standing outside the hall you could still hear them loud and clear. The trumpeteer had a nice vibrato too - but I think he "cheated" by using a piccolo trumpet! Tartini is considered a kind of Baroque Paganini, and we all know that in those times, trumpets had no keys and you had to pitch every note with your lips. I think. But never mind, the soloist was really good. Even the opening orchestral introduction of the concerto sounded like something Paganini would do. Very polished and prepared playing indeed.
B: [snort]
L: What did you think of that Boccherini piece, the what take-a-walk-in-night-time-Madrid thingey?
B: La musica notturna delle strade di Madrid. "Night Music in the Streets in Madrid." [snort]
L: Ah huh! [Pause.] Well, it was a smashing piece of music, wasn't it? Rampant with those unmistakable Spanish rhythms! I Solisti Veneti were all no-holds-barred with the music too! Great stuff, like some kind of late-Baroque Carmen Suite! I loved that opening bit with the cellos being strummed like guitars and the violins singing in that not-often-achieved bright and ecstatic tone. How about the last bit, the one called "The Retreat"? Wasn't that something! What amazing showmanship! The composer himself suggested that the orchestra should play it "very feebly as in the distance", crescendo-ing into a climax before retreating into silence. And that's exactly what the orchestra did! And Scimone really got the audience laughing with his antics, pretending to have lost the orchestra as they faded away!
B: [snort] Sí señor, but there is still no relation between bulls and tiger beer.
L: Yeah, I hate all beer ads myself.
B: Shhhh... it's starting...

ACT III
A restaurant. Enter the Regular, the Authenticist, Leon and Vivaldi.

R: There were... what? Five encores?
L: Yeah, a bit of an overkill I think.
A: Crowd-pleaser stuff, just like the rest of the concert. Let's see, there was a string sonata movement by Rossini; the famous Minuet from Boccherini's string quintet in E, op.13, no.5; a prestissimo from a Verdi quartet, a Torelli piece for trumpet and orchestra and best of all (if a little too smooth), the rousing Prélude from Charpentier's Te Deum - all impeccably and impossibly perfectly executed.
L: [with a grin] Charpentier's Tedium?
A: Te Deum. "Tay day-oom."
R: So what's wrong with the concert? I thought it was perfectly enjoyable.
L: Well... there's no sense of danger - no risks taken, too well-prepared, almost. There was no feeling that at any point someone was going to play a wrong note or push the music to its limits or something like that. They pulled off the most difficult instrumental and musical stunts with perfect ease, even nonchalance.
R: That's a fault?
L: No, it's not really a fault to be perfect. It's just that perfection is always... boring. But that's just the fusspot in me speaking. I prefer my musicians to be at the edge of a cliff.
V: [Looking up from a menu] You put fish in your pizza??

finis.

Despite his admiration of Shakespeare's genius, Chia Han-Leon feels that studying it can be quite a pain. He also hopes none of his lecturers are reading this.

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