BATMAN AND ROBIN
Dr T. White
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Written by: Akiva Goldsman and Christopher McQuarrie
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, and Michael Gough
Produced by: Peter MacGregor-Scott
Running Time: 130 minutes
Rating : **
It's loud, visually assaulting, and has a semi-major babe in it (Uma Thurman), but...well, frankly, Batman and Robin is a major disappointment. Sure, nobody expects something like this to be Citizen Kane or even Casablanca, but at least the other entries in the Batman franchise were watchable, usually more than once. Batman and Robin is the weakest of the series, for a number of reasons.
But first, let's see what this movie is about. Batman, Gotham City's dark guardian (this time played by George Clooney), joined by Robin (Chris O'Donnell again) and the ever-faithful Alfred), battles it out with Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger, who gets top billing in the film, along with the biggest paycheck). It seems that Freeze, formerly Dr. Victor Fries, an Olympian and university professor (making him sadistic to begin with), keeps his wife frozen in his quest to find a cure for her ailment, MacGregor's disease (a joke based on the producer's name, maybe?). In the process of freezing her, he has an accident that leaves him one cold, and cold-hearted, dude. He makes himself a strange-looking costume to keep cool and to give him cool powers of cold-creation (does that make sense?). He needs money to continue his research into a cure for his wife, and diamonds to recharge his cold suit (diamonds...ice...get it?). So, naturally, he becomes a master criminal with a weird car and flunkies who grunt a lot.
Batman and Robin, not surprisingly, try to stop Freeze's crime spree. But wait! Here comes female trouble! First, Alfred's nubile niece Barbara (Alicia Silverstone) enters the scene, after being kicked out of prestigious Oxbridge University. Barbara looks demure, but likes to race motorcycles with freaks and midgets (and sends Robin's libido into high gear). She "accidentally" finds out that her hosts, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, are actually...Batman and Robin!!! So, logically, she dons a skin-tight rubber costume (that Alfred, foreseeing all of this, has already made) and becomes...Batgirl!!! She insists on, like, become involved, like, totally, and acquits herself quite well.
The other feminine intrusion into the traditionally male world of superbeings is Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), a plant rights activist who has been turned into a vege-babe complete with killer kisses from her poison lips. Along with a humongous dude named Bane (a super-soldier created by a mad doctor in one of the more inane subplots of this movie), she teams up with Freeze to rid the world of all mammalian life, including the Dynamic Duo (plus one). To do this, she uses her considerable sex appeal (aided by some sort of gaseous aphrodisiac) to pit Robin (whose hormones begin to get the best of him) against Bat (who is rather smitten with her himself).
Along the way, Alfred himself contracts MacGregor's disease, and the only one who can save him is, of course, Mr. Freeze. Will Freeze and Poison Ivy succeed in their mission to destroy the world's warm-blooded beings? Will Batman, Robin and Poison Ivy have a menage-a-trois? Will Batgirl bust out of her rubber suit? Will Alfred kick the bucket? If not, will he take Barbara's advice and form the Butler's Revolutionary Resistance Army?
Well, who cares, really. Most of these subplots are predictable, and resolved in ways that are even more predictable. The best subplot here is Alfred's impending death; it offers the scene with the best acting in the film, as Bruce Wayne lets Alfred know just how much he means to him.
Unfortunately, even this subplot is concluded in the least interesting way it could be.
George Clooney is actually not that bad as Batman, and Chris O'Donnell is not bad as Robin, although the character himself is pretty useless. Even more useless is Batgirl; both the character and the actress, Alicia Silverstone, are mistakes and never should have been seriously considered for this movie. Even Schwarzenegger seems to be sleepwalking through the movie.
Oh, I suppose Batman and Robin has its good points. Michael Gough is pretty good as Alfred, and, as I said, Clooney and O'Donnell are OK. Uma Thurman is sexy in a dumb role. The movie has some clever lines, and some sly references to older Hollywood movies (for example, Mr. Freeze comes off at times as a modern Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz). The special effects are mostly good (although some, especially the flower/snake hybrid created by Poison Ivy, are laughable). But over all, this movie is a waste of time and (a lot) of money. Maybe I'm getting old and cranky, but, as when I saw Fifth Element (which looks pretty good compared to this one!), I kept thinking about all the good movies that could have been made for this money.
Well...just in case you think this is just the ranting of some old fart (well, it is, I guess), my 12-year-old son Evan gave Batman and Robin this critical assessment: "Boy, that movie was really stoopid!"
Wanna visit the official Batman and Robin site? Here it is: http://www.batman-robin.com.
* Wait for the TV2 broadcast.
** A little creaky, but still better than staying at home with Gotcha!
*** Pretty good, bring a friend.
**** Amazing, potent stuff.
***** Perfection. See it twice.
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