Last Updated: February 17, 1998

Editor's Introduction:

Skip the Editor's Introduction and Go Straight To Guide L'amour...

We've enjoyed a number of letters, propositions and death threats from readers over the last few issues, and boy do a lot of you have problems. That, or very weird imaginations and a heckava lot of time on your hands.

Well we can't fix 'em but we're bettin' our good friend Madame L'amour (that's Mz Chantelle L'amour to you, kids) can. So starting this week, THE FLYING INKPOT is proud to present *DRUMROLL* GUIDE TO L'AMOUR by Chantelle L'amour, our Guest Lurve Specialist and Relationship Consultant with the Swiss Couples Federation, chairperson of the International Forum on Romance Situations, and Leading Theorist on the M&Ms and Hand-Holding Situation.

Dear Miz Chantelle L'amour, I have a problem and it is this..

From now on, all you love-lorn freaks and hip single types can send yer queries to Mz Chantelle L'amour care of THE INKPOT LOVE CONNECTION, and if you're lucky enough, maybe she'll get right back to you. Remember to address your letters "TO MIZ L'AMOUR, CARE OF THE FLYING INKPOT."

Guide To L'Amour

After many years of successful marriage (ups, downs, screaming, laughing, all the things people who respect and trust each other do) and producing two girls who are now young adult women, my wife passed away suddenly a little over a year ago. We married at 19, so I am a very young at heart 41 and not in possession of a couch belly. I was raised a gentleman and have never been a womanizer. So here's the point of this: My family and friends who know me well recognize, I think, three things about me 1) I know there will never be another woman like my wife of many years, so I have stopped comparing and accept each woman for who they are. 2) Boring I am not....I like to have fun....be out and about doing things. and 3) I had a very very healthy sexual relationship with my wife and I have not lost my interest in or desire for sex. So everyone is trying to be a Matchmaker....espically my daughters. The thing is with almost every woman I am introduced to and date through, choice or coercion, sex seems to be an immediate constant with the desire to domesticate running an oh so close second. I am not having a problem with the first part...I am not stupid. It's the second part I need some advice on how to respectfully address. I am beginning to believe women from the age of 30 on share a genetic trait, especially if they have been married once, which makes them want to put an available male in a house with a white picket fence around it and a sign on the gate saying, "Mine, Killing of Trespassers Permitted." Any words of wisdom? Regards, No Home Depot Yet

Dan

Dear Dan,

Dear Swinger,

Date someone younger! There ARE mature women in their twenties. Or stop sending out signals to women who obviously need you for home decoration purposes. Whenever you meet a woman you're attracted to, indicate or hint loudly on the very first date that you're not interested in being a Fido. Women are not dumb. They can be crafty and pretend to be deaf, but once you hit them over the head with the obvious, they tend to get the message (unlike men, but that's another story). So make sure you look and feel like someone who really doesn't want to be tied to the old ball and chain. Enjoy life! If all else doesn't work out you know where to reach me. *wink*

Chantelle de la Inkpot

Hi.

I know of this lady whom I bought an exclusive club membership from. She is really nice and I am very keen to know her better. I've sent her a bouquet of flowers to thank her for helping me with the membership matters. I even asked her out for dinner or lunch. She turned me down the first time and the second time, saying she was busy. I shall try to ask her again but how shall I know whether she is interested or not? Should I change my tactic? WHAT SHALL I DO??? I REALLY LIKE THIS LADY!!!!

Thanks.

Dan

Dear Dan,

I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but she is obviously not interested. Or she's playing really hard to get. In which case you should ask her out again. Three strikes = Out. But really darling, you shouldn't fall for every nice woman who sells you something. That's their job! To be nice! And has it ever ocurred to you that she might already have a boyfriend? Or she may be engaged? Married? A lesbian? Let me offer you a tip. Most women hate pushy guys. If you want to win someone over, you should show genuine interest in them. Talk to the woman, ask her questions about her life, offer to help her out with stuff. (the only exception to this is when you just want to get laid, then I suggest looking for another kind of woman) Besides, there are many nice single women out there. She can't be the only one. So get busy already!

Chantelle

Dear Chantelle,

In the eighties we had a sixties revival, and in the nineties people stopped being ashamed of disco. Tell me, CHantelle, what is this sick world we live in that men with open, hairy chests, thick, gold medallions and big hair were found attractive twice in the same century?

despair, Alexandra Rd.

Dear Despair,

This is indeed a sick sick sick world. But men with open hairy chests, thick gold medallions and big hair were ALWAYS at some point in time attractive. Remember Conan the Barbarian? Remember Genghis Khan? But who cares about the men! Revivals are a great excuse for not throwing away clothing (or anything for that matter). Just tell yourself that at some point in your life, you can actually look and feel cool. And what's so bad about disco? Glamour, Glitter, Giant shoes! Who could ask for more?

Chantelle

Dear Mz L'amour.

I love my boyfriend but he is always trying my patients. Sometimes I think he wants to date others but then I asked him and he denied it. But then sometimes I also find another guy quite cool, and I feel guilty because I can't tell him about it. My parents think I should concentrate on my studies but these things are very distracting and it's hard not to think about them. I'm fifteen and I have two elder brothers who hate my boyfriend. We have to hide from them when we got out for movies or on dates. Sometimes i can only meet him in internet IRC or just mail him when I can. Can you help?

Ting, PO Box Robinson Rd.

Dear Ting,

Well doctor, if he's trying your patients already, you must be somewhat right about his plans to move on. Or is this your excuse to dump him since you've set your sights on someone else? If you don't tell him anything about your other love interest why would he tell you about his? But it's really all up to you. Nobody should control your life. Those 2 guard dogs of yours have no right not to like your boyfriend, he's not dating them! Your mom is right, though, at fifteen, you should be concentrating on your studies. You have a whole lifetime to date and go crazy! Let me tell you darling, the best thing to do at this time is to live it up! Meet different people! Have fun! Otherwise you will find that time has flown by and you are a bitter 40-year-old and are stuck at home with a balding old fart who burps at you every 10 minutes and harrasses you for more beer.

Chantelle

Dear Flying Inkpot,

My fiancee informed me yesterday in no uncertain terms that I lacked sophistication, romance and the necessary hygienic qualities to be her one and only, a point which she is presently reviewing with severe scrutiny. In fact, it seems there is another choice at hand, my next-door neighbour Leow, who is an investment analyst at Merrill-Lynch. She admires men who wear bow ties.

Abomination! I ply her with attention. Didn't I specially set out for Kallang Stadium an hour early so we would get good seats for the FA Cup? Don't I send and wait patiently outside for her when she goes to those insufferably boring plays at the Substation? Because of my lady love, I have adopted a number of hygienic habits: I no longer pick my nose in public, I dig my ears with Q-Tips now even though I think keys are still sufficient, I wear socks with my slippers when we enter departmental stores, I wear a hat everywhere because she dislikes my perm and is afraid of ticks. Am I not a longsuffering fiance, subject to unreasonable demands?

I find myself quite at a loss, because I love my little chickadee and quite look forward to years enjoying the Euro Cup with her in front of the TV. (And that's another thing: she accuses me of never watching Premiere 12. You see how unjust she is.). Can you help me?

Seng, Ghim Moh.

Duhh.. but I like watching football

Dear Seng,

Quit whining already. What you have on your hands is a problem of class. She's got plenty, you've got zilch. So compromise! Think about it this way. She gets to watch hot, athletic guys in tight sweaty clothes run around, so read up on the plays or movies that she likes to watch (you DO know how to read, don't you?) and find one with lots of hot women in tight sweaty clothes running around and away you go! A little culture won't hurt your fragile brain (whatever's left of it).

Chantelle

Dear Inkpot,

Do you think Rick Astley will ever make a comeback?

Hopeful, Chiswick, UK.

Dear Hopeful,

Get a life.

To The Inkpot,

I seem to have this habit of attracting men with mouldy feet. Two of my last three blind dates had some kind of fungus between their toes, and the third had some kind of Athlete's foot. It's awful! Do you think it's me? What can I do? I'd give anything for a man with healthy feet.

Tired of Fungus, Clementi St 42.>>

Dear Fungus Magnet,

So who did you go through to get your blind dates? Dr. Scholl? Most guys don't have healthy feet because most guys forget that there is such a thing as personal hygiene.You have 3 options. Talk about feet problems within 5 minutes of your meeting. Say something like "I've been thinking alot about wild animals and how they move about freely. What do you think of running around barefoot? Have you had any FEET problems?" If this doesn't work, try writing a personal ad with your specific request. Or drink some herbal tea, stand on your head and chant 5 times: I want a man with healthy feet.

Chantelle

Dear The Flying Inkpot,

I used to judge everyone by the TV programmes they said they liked, but recently I'm beginning to think that might be a little harsh. Firstly, they might not really be putting much thought into their answers and subsequently turn out to be different people from what I'd supposed based on their answer. Then there's also the problem of people who don't watch TV at all. How would I categorize them?

So I'm putting it to you, M'sieur Inkpot. Could you give me some guidelines on how to go about this? Can I ever really trust someone who enjoys THE LOVE CONNECTION (?)? Are people who watch BAYWATCH regularly not all stupid? Are people who hate THE SIMPSONS not all unimaginative, frigid beasts? Should I start extending the hand of friendship to people who actually watch XUXA? Are FRIENDS fans not all braindead twits with the conversational skills of a bowl of oats? (I think you prob. won't be able to get me to budge on the last one).

Goggle-Box Gigi, Alaska.

Dear Gigi,

Oh stop being such a little snob. What do YOU watch? Documentaries about sociopaths? If you do, then try tuning into the Love Connection. Who says smart people can't watch BAYWATCH? You can learn alot about the laws of gravity in BAYWATCH. Observe Pamela Anderson's upper body when she is running. If you watch FRIENDS closely, you too might find some hints on how to maintian a snazzy Manhattan apartment on a measly waitress' salary. You may also gain tips on how to tell lame jokes that millions of people actually laugh at. So experiment! Mingle! Don't miss out on the important events of evolution. The camera work used in BARNEY may one day be the golden standard.