>From hootie@pacific.net.sg  Tue Jan  7 09:31:37 1997
X-Authentication-Warning: curie.pacific.net.sg: den10039@[137.132.123.88] didn't use HELO protocol
Date: Tue, 07 Jan 1997 09:31:18 -0800
From: hootie 
Reply-To: hootie@pacific.net.sg
MIME-Version: 1.0
To: inkpot@webvisions.com
Subject: i need an audience

i need an audience
and you my good man, is my choice for today

i wrote this in a fit of nasty temper brought on by
watching the feel good movie 4 weddings and a funeral
the TCS edition

i have tried to post it to the newsgroup sg.rec.tv
but it dissapeared after one day
something's afoot i tell you


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>cut here>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

writer's note:
despite wat some people claim, there is no such thing as free
speech on the internet. so before you read further, i have to
say that the following is fiction.
it never happened
      IT  NEVER  H A P P E N E D
thank you
enjoy



some where in a back room in tcs
sometime in december
it was a dark and stormy night

young bird: how lah, 4 weddings and a funeral for new years day
on the prime time slot. its a 2 hour movie, how to slot in all 
adverts?

old bird: aiyah, why you worry? this is chicken feed.
come boy, bring the film in.

cut to film butchering machine

old bird: this, my boy is how we are going to do all that

young bird: (looking at all the scattered films on the wall and 
the floor) wah look at all this
this is that scene from terminator, and this is from predator
and this  whats this big pile over here?

old bird: oh that, thats the one from basic instinct. phew.. damn 
siong one....  ok, lets get to work, load up the film

machine starts humming

old bird: ok first thing that have to go is all the sex scenes

young bird: but i have seen the movie. there's no sex

old bird: aiyah youre not looking hard enuff. look, 5 mins into the 
movie hugh already saying "F.... !" cut that. 

young bird: oooo. why cant we just dim the sound like rtm does?

old bird: boy, you want to trouble the people in sound for what?
just cut cut lah.

young bird: oh  ok lah. wats next.  oh oh thats mr bean. hes funny.

old bird: well you'll see him again in the 2nd wedding. cut cut cut


time passes merrily for the happy couple

old bird spots something

old bird:  ahah !!!!!  sex scene, second wedding. see i told you

young bird:  but but, they're still dressed.

old bird: aiyah sex is sex. why you so fussy....
look, you think meg ryan really faked that orgasm scene in 
"when harry met sally". 

young bird: but that scene was hilarious. it made the whole 
movie

old bird: yaaaah. but that extra 30 sec gave us another advert 
to slot

young bird muses on the wisdom of the old bird



time passes merrily for the happy couple

young bird spots something

young bird: is that guy gay?

old bird: where where? no lah. where got? gay people they wear women's 
clothes one. they wear make up and bend their wrists like this

old bird bends wrist like that

young bird: no, no dont have. they just vv good frens

young bird decides to keep quiet



time passes merrily for the busy couple

young bird: ok, lets see, one hour and 40 mins. all right. 20 mins of 
advert time. cathay pacific sure happy one.

old bird: boy boy. you forget ahh. this will be the new year. 
sure got some new year greetings from tcs to show the audience
you think we pay michelle goh for nothing ahh.

young bird: wah, you sure tought of everything. im so glad im
learning the ropes from you

young bird beams proudly at old bird. old bird looking smug

old bird: this is how you become an old bird like me. come, i
let you cut 10 more mins from the show

young bird: wow. ok lets see...  hmmm, andie macdowell tokking
abt how many people she sleep with...  ok cut that
and cut that and cut that

time passes merrily for the happy couple





young bird: hows this. i cut an extra 4 mins on top of the 10 mins

old bird: for what?

young bird (flustered now): err errr, you know, maybe, the video
dept can show that video of wet wet wet, you know, for that song, 
love is all around you, you know. to tie in with the movie, to show
before the news. you know, as a public service, to give back to them, 
you know, we cut quite alot from the show, so i thought...

old bird: you thought what? we not prime 12 you know. you think we 
so rich ahhh?? you know just how much benedict goh spend on hair 
alone ? you know how much zoe and nanxing spend on room service in
las vegas? lucky i never suggest that call the 
1900-number-to-guess-who-will-hugh-grant-marry contest to the 
marketing dept.

young bird hangs head in shame

old bird: you got a lot to learn boy. now gimme that sticky tape
let me see if i can put back the end credits

machine resumes humming
couple resumes working
life goes back to normal on busy caldecott hill





the moral of this story is:
get cabel vision
we need the money



who to blame
http://home.pacific.net.sg/~hootie
"you know, someone should have told you
in an earlier life, that you can get more
flies with honey than you do with vinegar"
				ivanova

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